Daniel Thompson

Aside

I accidentally ran into an ex recently, Daniel Thompson, 36 , Brown eyes , Bulky build, and he wore his ring like handcuffs . He looked downtrodden. Perhaps, that’s how I choose to see him. We exchanged pleasantries and not long after. He asked me “Still single right? “. He had this sadness to his eyes; it wasn’t the judgmental stare that my married female friends give me when the see me at the mall on Saturday with my shorts and tank top. He looked genuinely worried, we dated a while back but it never got to the point where I could say I do or he would drop on one knee and ask the question. We had a kind of love but we kept our lives separate and never overindulged in each other’s affairs, no jealous squabbles (A very mature relationship some would say) of course, I found it boring that, he would never throw me on the bed and kiss me till I run out of breath. I found it annoying that he could never lose his calm when I was stubborn for no good reason. It felt like a business transaction to me and I promised me long ago if it’s not a fiery all-consuming love I would never marry. (We all know why, I am still single now). He grabbed my hand and I followed him, I said good-bye to my shopping cart and looked forward to tea and salad.
After, the red-haired waitress took our order after grilling us over and over about mayonnaise. He began to tell his story ” Evelyn and I dated shortly after I met you, she is a doctor (he looks to me as though I should know this so I nod) and her deposition when we were dating was one full of care and nurturing (he lowered his eyes again, he had complained that I wasn’t caring because I didn’t make a fuss every time he told me about his hypochondriac symptoms). We dated 2 years and got married. She was a virgin ( I smile, interesting) . After the honeymoon she got pregnant and we had our daughter Shelia. She quit work and decided to be a stay at home mum and I agreed because I loved her (yea, right). After giving birth to Shelia, she moved to the baby room and eats, sleeps breathes the baby. (Where is he going with this?) .I get a nanny Matilda to assist Shelia with the chores so we can bond and now she factors Matilda into everything. I got home from work earlier today and found them in bed together so I stormed off and ended up here. What do you think I should do Clara?”(I try to speak but I say nothing& thank God I am single, at times like this no attachment looks good, while preparing me to give advice that I am not qualified to give).

Advertisements

Fidelity

Aside

How do I define fidelity? What is faithfulness in love? In marriage? In relationships. Do our hearts constantly betray us to obey where our bodies long to go? Do we make excuses for our bodies betrayal? What is faithfulness?

A friend called it a lack of opportunity to be unfaithful.  I smiled.

Is faithfulness when I give my heart and commit my body to you?  Is faithfulness not betraying you by giving strange looks to the cute guy checking me out at lunch? 

Is faithfulness not giving into the temptations, even though you are miles away?

Why doesn’t the love I feel chase the loneliness away? Why doesn’t it take away the heat & the hunger? Why do I crave for you more? 

Is faithfulness reaching out to you in any way, with any medium or I’m I too blind to see that I am not a woman in love? But one so full of lust that I have converted it to love?  The books portray love with no shades of grey; the thoughts of another should make my skin fall off. Do I cringe at the thought of you with someone else???? I only wonder if it can even be (I am truly blinded in love) 

Why do I need you? Why I’m I here struggling so hard to define a word that needs no definition.

We cheat when we pour our hearts to strangers we barely know, we cheat when we linger on in a hug, we cheat when we reminisce previous lives with our ex. We cheat when we fantasize of the crazy, sex and weird neighbour we always talk about. Yet we limit fidelity to crimes we commit with our bodies, the touching of our lips and caressing of arms.

Is love really exclusive because as far as I know for a while it is but love constantly evolves that’s why I am glad that as of today I am still in the truly, madly, deeply phase.

 

 

Mind-Blowing-and-Beautiful-Photographs-of-Lovers

FB couples

Aside

I stare at FB pictures and I see the couples looking picture perfect. The fathers look extremely excited by carrying their newborns, the wives look proud and loving at their accomplishment. I wonder if I would ever look like them (the perfect couples)

I have taken sappy photos with the Lover at some point (those pictures with your faces pressed against each other and I looked a million miles away from reality, I looked happy)

The lover and I have reached those unwritten finished lines, fundamental differences, the honeymoon phase is long gone, the reality phase, memories away .All I see now are the differences and why we can’t be together forever. Today, The Facebook pictures remind me how conflicting my choices are from my needs and wants.

Why haven’t I ever picked the easy guy? The one with whom I foresee no possible drama? (The sure thing in relationships, we all know this)

Do I love in small doses? Thrive on complexity and enjoy singleness and pretend to want forever. Or have I been dealt poor cards in this game of love?

I don’t know and please don’t tell me because I want to wake up everyday with endless possibilities and answering this question will ruin the surprise.