I am You

It has been a while,

Yet, once again i feel like i am standing on a cliff,

The end of the road, yet it feels like a beginning,

I look back and all i see is fragments of a life well spent,

I look ahead and see clarity and peace,

Somehow, i see adventures in the clouds,

Decisions are always easy to make for me,

Yet, today i freeze,

I freeze at the idea of the woman i used to be,

I look at the woman i am,

Then i see a woman i could be,

Yet somehow i have always felt like the woman i should be,

The woman i am regardless,

Of who and what i choose to be,

I am her tall and proud,

Happy or sad,

I am all she has got and i am glad i finally found her.

I am intoxicated at the idea of the journeys we are going to embark on,

The journey of life.

I am so glad i met her and it’s been a privilege going through the storm to find her.

I am art, well crafted,

Molded and well-formed,

Detailed and filled with depth and color,

I am beautiful and I am  you.

 

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Cassie

Cassie hand’s  were on the steering, she smiled as she looked at her well-manicured nude nails. She had to give it to the manicurist her nails were on fleek. She was heading to the mall to kill some time before her dinner date with Anderson.Anderson was the one who got away, they had bumped into each other during her morning runs, he had moved in to an apartment two streets away from her’s and like her, he was still single.

Andy was a bit bulky nothing like what she’s used-to the stocky, muscular guys with mysterious eyes. He never looked haunted or dressed like an artist. He is a type A husband looking guy. He looked like he would be the president of the PTA and would love taking the kids to the park but when they had met  years ago , she was 26 , skinny and hopeful. Andy seemed like a cliche , a smart decision , nothing extraordinary and definitely the safe choice . There were no butterflies with Andy: he did what he said. He was boring and she had always wanted the spark but four years later and a million sparks away, at 30, Andy seemed like the dream. He didn’t play games, he was sweet, but divorced twice and had 3 kids from two women. He seems like a lot of work,  yet , somehow he was work she seemed willing to do.

Akin hurried into the jersey shop to get his name printed on the back, the boys were going to watch the games together at a bar and it was a jersey and kicks night. He wanted to fit in. As he came out of the Adidas store he saw blonde highlights in contrast to her brown skin and with the lighting at the mall she looked like a screen goddess, the kind that always plays the mistress (Don’t do this Akin, you are not ready to date) he said to himself and waited a whole minute but before long he was at the bottom of the escalator trailing her.

She entered the bookstore and went to the fantasy section (reality sucks and she picked a classic M& B and delved into the pages). “ Hello, I am Akin and you are?” he said this with what his friends call the chick magnet smile. She looked up at this African American man and said to herself (he thinks because we share the same complexion, we are meant to be?) yet, she smiled and said “cassie, hello ”.

He sat down next to her and said “ Alex looks into Mary’s eyes and they both know this is something special, they are meant to be… why do you read this crap?”. She laughed and said, “ Because it has never happened to me, doesn’t make it crap but what do I know? I would rather dream than accept that we are all meant to be unhappy and make smart choices with our partners”.

They chatted for hours before she realized it was 10 mins to 9, Andy time. Would it be Safe Andy or Akin the spark?

Dear Daughter,

Dear Natalie,

This letter should come to you as no surprise, as I hope the years we have spent so far together have been joyful and light-hearted. As you turn 16, I hope we are closer than ever because today though you are unborn I find myself closer to you than ever.

I met your father when I had almost given up on the idea of happily ever after, I am a hopeless romantic and there were nights I prayed to God to change me but in the end I always hope for the kind of love that enriches life and not sucks you dry. We met at a book reading, nothing fancy but he found me pleasant and charming, fun-loving yet stern, my awkwardness, and eeriness he considered creepy yet endearing. He worships the ground I walk on and even till date when I am not looking I catch him staring at me as though he can’t imagine his luck for having found me. As you know your pa was hell-bent on ending up alone but the thought of living life without me made him take the plunge.

I hope you never get to the point of giving up, or settling for less than you deserve because you need a hug. I know today that thought seems ridiculous but believe me it happens to the best of us, I dated lots of great men and boys but my heart never felt such joy as the day I had you ( in my mind you were conceived first), you made me rediscover purpose and you are a result of a mind-blowing love.

Someone asked me what is so bad with my reality that I am stuck on fairy tales; he obviously hasn’t read lots of books. fairy tales teaches us hope despite what life throws at us, the end is always happy. Why should I settle for ordinary when the extraordinary is available?

Who wants a marriage of convenience? My quest for true love was filled with tales of woe and heartaches and pain but it was worth it. I wish I had been smarter with my heart, a little more patient in my decision-making process but I can’t spend eternity dwelling on the past. I loved and lost till I found a love that transcended imperfections and childish connotations, I found a friend and a lover, a champion and a warrior, I found my King and I wish that for you my dear.

When it comes to dealing with people:

Listen to their actions, not words

Never make haste to make a decision

A non decision is a decision

Friends first before lovers

Friendship shows true character and only out of that can you find love

Take your own advice, if your heads says its wrong it probably is

Never regret trying

If you fail, don’t give up, try again

People make time for things they love

If you can’t see their souls they are not worth it

If you won’t do the work don’t start

Never toy with anyone’s feelings

Be honest and brave

Guard your heart and your soul, never lose it no matter how bad the other person treats you, remain you

Never mind the ones who make you feel ordinary. You are a miracle, a result of a love people consider impossible. Everyday, I thank GOD for the privilege of having you, so don’t let a two-piece hack tell you different.

If there ever is a man alive who doesn’t think you are enough; he probably isn’t enough for you either so don’t cry too long. For the right man you will be enough.

Don’t let the clusters of people’s past get you stuck in a nightmare, their history isn’t yours, you are great and are loved. Today and always and if no one tells you in this lifetime, I am your mother and I love you to bits.

Forever,

Mum

I want to be free

I don’t want despair or desperation at my doorstep. I don’t want to tire from the effort of loving you. I don’t want to be one of them constantly existing yet not living. I don’t want to pretend, I don’t. I want to wake up and greet me. I want to see my reflection and lift my shoulders high. I want to stop being ashamed of the poor choices I made. I want to stop making excuses. I want to be free from slouching, free from the mistakes of father and free to forgive myself. I want to be free.

I want to be proud to be me, I want to meet me tomorrow and see me grown. I want to be a virtuous, courteous and a proud woman comfortable in her own skin. I want to dress in bright colors and pretty clothes and not care who stares. I want to be free of these clutches that I carry. I want to be free of you, the voice in my head that rejects me, the voice that says you are not enough, the voice that criticizes me, the voice that reminds me of all the wrong places I have sought for an embrace, the voices that say I would never be loved enough, the voice that makes me think that these struggles are a part of me. I want to be free of you insecurity, the voice that says what I am is not beautiful, the voice that says all you have is your smarts, and the voice that says my looks are my curse.

 I want to be free of you, black and yellow demon of lies. My smile lights up the room, my heart recovers from all wounds, my lips are soft and give the best kisses , my skin feels velvety and tell no stories of ruin, my belly is well-rounded from good food, my moods  flourish like the full moon, I am all woman true and true and only a fool would misconstrue my eloquence as being opinionated, my frankness as being proud, my shyness as being snobbish and my feminine wiles as being slutty, I am a virtuous woman made in the likeness of my maker , I am hard-working, result oriented and an upward moving young woman.

 There is nothing wrong in loving me. I was made to be loved and I am a fountain of love. So be gone you teller of lies. Be gone, you poor judging fellow. Be gone, you strange-looking man. Be gone, voice in my head.

happy

Dear A

Dear A,

I am glad to have experienced the past few months with you. There have been moments when I have felt like the world stopped and you & I existed alone in a cocoon. There are times that in your company I have felt so cold and alone. I have tried to think of how things would have been if I had met you 10 years earlier. When I had no experience of hurt , complication or obligation. Would I have let you in?

I am tired of hanging on to the threads of your heart , scavenging for a glimpse of emotion from you. Babe, I am tired of the rollercoaster ride. we say I love you then embrace and say nothing for days. I question your kindness at times . People constantly saying we make a cute couple but alone together I can never call you mine ,as you have never called me yours.

I wake up to your message and it brings joy but my heart and body are tired of fighting over you. you give my body unprecedented pleasure . In those moments of unbridled love-making I can swear we belong together and I know you feel it too.

I hope that I have shown you a portion of my heart , my love and my desire without contradiction. It saddens me that our relations leave me constantly over thinking and reading between lines. I look to you for closure & certainty but , it evades me . I battle for a key to your apartment, Long weekends with no interruptions, conversations about the future without trepidation. I battle for love . Yes, I battle for you.

Babe , I was born to be loved right, I was raised to be a queen for My King . I can hear you in my head saying conceited much . I wish you would treat me as your queen and not a queen.

I wish I could wait forever for you to figure you out but I can’t. So, I wish you love that gives clarity and makes your heart flutter.

Be safe ,
A

Daniel Thompson

Aside

I accidentally ran into an ex recently, Daniel Thompson, 36 , Brown eyes , Bulky build, and he wore his ring like handcuffs . He looked downtrodden. Perhaps, that’s how I choose to see him. We exchanged pleasantries and not long after. He asked me “Still single right? “. He had this sadness to his eyes; it wasn’t the judgmental stare that my married female friends give me when the see me at the mall on Saturday with my shorts and tank top. He looked genuinely worried, we dated a while back but it never got to the point where I could say I do or he would drop on one knee and ask the question. We had a kind of love but we kept our lives separate and never overindulged in each other’s affairs, no jealous squabbles (A very mature relationship some would say) of course, I found it boring that, he would never throw me on the bed and kiss me till I run out of breath. I found it annoying that he could never lose his calm when I was stubborn for no good reason. It felt like a business transaction to me and I promised me long ago if it’s not a fiery all-consuming love I would never marry. (We all know why, I am still single now). He grabbed my hand and I followed him, I said good-bye to my shopping cart and looked forward to tea and salad.
After, the red-haired waitress took our order after grilling us over and over about mayonnaise. He began to tell his story ” Evelyn and I dated shortly after I met you, she is a doctor (he looks to me as though I should know this so I nod) and her deposition when we were dating was one full of care and nurturing (he lowered his eyes again, he had complained that I wasn’t caring because I didn’t make a fuss every time he told me about his hypochondriac symptoms). We dated 2 years and got married. She was a virgin ( I smile, interesting) . After the honeymoon she got pregnant and we had our daughter Shelia. She quit work and decided to be a stay at home mum and I agreed because I loved her (yea, right). After giving birth to Shelia, she moved to the baby room and eats, sleeps breathes the baby. (Where is he going with this?) .I get a nanny Matilda to assist Shelia with the chores so we can bond and now she factors Matilda into everything. I got home from work earlier today and found them in bed together so I stormed off and ended up here. What do you think I should do Clara?”(I try to speak but I say nothing& thank God I am single, at times like this no attachment looks good, while preparing me to give advice that I am not qualified to give).

Carrie

Carrie started to beat herself up after hanging up the call . Jake made her feel dumb but she felt an unexplained bond to him. He has the nicest eyes and whenever she looked into them she felt she could bare her soul to him. Jake is the regular guy next door and they got along fine as friends till he kissed her one drunken night. Since then they have had the most torrid affair and she couldn’t get herself to stop. She blames the eyes.

Jake sat in his backyard wearing his knickers and multi colored socks with a wind cheater , he looked puzzled. what was that call about? I love this woman and she loves me why cant we get along? He made his way into his bungalow and shut the door behind him , As he hung his coat he reminisced how they met. It was the summer of 1988 then all the young girls came out to the country to have some good fun and he saw her walk down the street in brown khakis and a yellow and white jump suit, her hair was a mess and she wore white sneakers with red polka dot socks . she looked adorable and clueless. he walked up to her and asked “hello miss , did you ,misplace your dog?” she smiled and replied ” no sir, I am on my way to the bakers to get you baked “. They both laughed and became fast friends.

Carrie hated being mad at anyone but this emotional dance was turning her into a monster , so when she heard the ping from her phone she decided to ignore and increased the Beyoncé’s irreplaceable song coming from her mac book. Her apartment could use some sprucing up and she decided to do just that. As she dusted she heard the vibrating sound from the phone and she picked up . Hello , hello Jake are you there? said Carrie.

“Will you marry me Carrie?” said Jake . The next few seconds that followed were so silent that a million angels could have run errands, then Carrie said  “oh wow , Jake wow,… (a million thoughts flew through her mind ) we should talk about this sometime, I got to go”.

My Forever

Dear My Forever,

 

How was your day ? A nightmare ? I hope not. Work was fine but thoughts of you crossed my mind . Le Lover , Boo , its taking forever for us to be together and since my first letter to you several experiments have happened. I seem to find bits of you in different men but not all of you. I was with Sammy the other day and I kept thinking how perfect it would be if the both of you knew each other and we could all be friends. I love you and I have since I created the idea of you my love.

I have written poems for you , dreamed of birthing a son and daughter for you. Raising a family with you but you remain in my dreams and are constantly hiding from my reality. Are you ashamed of me ? I’m I not good enough for you ? Are you chasing your own fairytale as I have chased you for years? Do you love me?

I wait for you when I line up at the bank to pay my bills, I look for you when the traffic lights turn red. At the pub the other day I kept starring at the entrance waiting for you to walk into my life. Baby, for real why do you walk so slow?  I stole a hug from Brian he feels warm and comfortable and he makes me laugh with his funny impressions. Are you Brian?

Baby, talk to me , I am tired of waiting for my love life to start . I am bored of kissing frogs to find my prince, I want to wake up next to you every morning and kiss you good night everyday. I want to make love to you with every ounce of my body and love you as though today is my last . Please let me love you. Please come home to me , send me a ping, an email or a text or pick up the phone and say hello.

I love you and I am waiting for our future to begin

 

Love always,

Love

Fancy a drink Mate?

Cassy and Andy have been in a pseudo relationship for weeks now. Everyone in their lives has seen them together except them. After drinks at the pub Cassy asked ” are we official now ?” Andy said ” babe, look at me aren’t we happy ? isn’t this good?” . I like waking up to you. I smell your perfume when you are not around and although I have never said this  I love you, this is probably confusing but don’t you feel like we are meant to be together? Cassy smiles and breathes out. 31st of December and a few seconds to midnight and her middle aged lover wont admit he’s in a relationship with her . Is this dating?

Paul skyfall saw a couple who seem a little lost talking and he decided to walk around them to the pub. His last girlfriend had called him a stingy bastard because he didn’t buy gifts so he knew better than date . As he got closer he realized they were having a tiff ( damn , women how can you have a tiff on the 31st with your man? look at the weather ) As he brushes past cassy she spins around and their faces touch . She smiles and impulsively kisses paul, as their lips touch it awakens all the desires she had been burying trying to be in a relationship with Andy. Paul manages out of the kiss and says” oi, what was that for mate?” she says ” fancy a drink mate?” he pauses then nods as they walk in silence to lala land.

Happy Holiday Santa

The holidays started out with the office secret Santa . I picked a girl and she was easy , so I didn’t have to worry too much about the gift . I moved on to other pressing issues : who was I going to spend the holidays with? I don’t want to rush things my name is Lily Tudor , I have big brown eyes and I drown men in them. I am well built and love my burger and fries . I am the girl next door but a very hotter version than some Susan, I am a cross breed of  your regular elegant chic and the tom  boy streak . I am perfect lets move on.

I work as a fashion consultant in a medium scale firm ( I am a sales rep in a large retail chain to be honest but it sounds cooler to say fashion consultant) . I met dru weeks ago at a bar on the mainland , I was out with my buddy Renee and Dru came to chill and we hit it off instantly. He’s not ordinarily my type( he’s not overly communicative, a jerk or a womanizer) . we chatted and surfed 3 bars together and at 4.30 am we were besties.

He didn’t ask for my number but when he called me the next day I wasn’t surprised , The silent types are usually resourceful. we started hanging out ( that’s a lie, hanging indoors together doing the crossword puzzles and indoor games). we spent a lot of time surfing each others aesthetic features but not really sealing the deal. spending time together became some kind of addiction . The intensity of the attraction could burn a bystander yet we were not a couple.

We started hanging outdoors with friends and tried to get the attraction out of the way with several hours of trying but the more we tried the more we felt. It was like magnets . Inseparable when in close proximity . This had been going on for three months till I met George , George is a lawyer with impeccable credentials. A straight shooter and we hit it off too . His was more of an intellectual hit off . we were mentally compatible. I couldn’t get myself to think of George outside the box. I like him outside the box and couldn’t think of Dru anywhere else but inside the box. who am I to spend the holidays with?

Tonight at 8pm . I am going to ask Dru over. I will greet him in a black lace corset with lace trimmings detailing at the bust, my skin oiled to perfection with Johnson petroleum jelly. My hair all bouncy and coiled , my lips properly glossed  , my eyes  will be made smoky with dark eye shadow, Asos see through stocking and Zara nude Peep toes with a splash of D & G the one around my neck . I will look into his deep blue eyes and ask will you spend the new year eve with me ?