Tales We Tell No One ..( Have you found the dress? )

Yesterday I went to the mall in search of my soul,

I searched the stores endlessly for the dress to express how I felt.

The dress that makes you digress,

Go off the route plan,

Makes you find a man with a life plan.

The dress is neither modest nor sexy,

It’s perfectly in-between.

The dress!!!

I searched for the dress forgot about my budget,

So I tried on the frilly dress and then the satin jumpsuit.

As I walked passed the sales aisle she stared at me,

Miss frumpy blue, she is Navy blue, a little above the knees and she has little embroidery details around the bosom area.

I found her.

To anyone else she was ordinary.

I wore her and I achieved emotional balance.

Miss blue sat perfectly on my slim curves and covered all my flaws.

She was all I needed and I paid for her.

As I walked past Mr nobody, I smiled.

He wouldn’t remember me though I am a beautiful woman with a blue dress on.

I will remember the attention he paid to me a bewildered look

As I had no makeup on but I glided the mall halls like it was a runway,

I found the dress and all was well in the world.

Have you found your dress?

A Journey !

Andrea, started her tale to me ” This Pain is from ages past, Unresolved grudges, rejection from people unknown, staring at my difference, my shyness and my struggle to stand out, the struggle between been normal, average or extraordinary, to shut out the voices in my head or to listen, the pain is from thinking I wasn’t enough, and maybe if I worked harder, fixed the exterior, and the interior made it acceptable to all maybe I will find someone accepting of me, maybe I would find love.

Yet, I have travelled many places, who can love a chameleon, true to itself yet adapting with every environment? Instead of being a peacock I made myself smaller and bigger as the case required ( it seemed like the smart thing to do) . How could I have been so lost? So hungry for affection to not appreciate this perfect piece of art?

Who heals our soul, when its been grazed? When betrayal and rejection taunts the core? What mends us? When we are so afraid to feel the pain?

The heartache or heartbreak doesn’t ruins us, rather the taste of our lovers past that haunts us and reminds us how penetrable we can be.

We are not as closed off as we think we are. Pain reminds us of our humanity and this breaks us even more. I hoped my walls were made high enough, that all I could manage was an august visitor every now and again but the heart suprises us with its strength, it tempts our humanity and betrays us more than we bargain because some of us are born all heart and no matter how closed off we seem, we long for a more intimate existence one enriched with effort, living not just existing.

How have I been so wrong? Chasing a dream, that anyone can complete me? When I myself i am incomplete? That is wishful thinking, to be a peacock is to be one’s authentic self, unapologetic for your awesomeness. A peacock does what a peacock does, to be the best peacock ever is the dream rather than living a life of a pigeon.

she looked at me and stared, peace strangely came to her, knowledge of her struggles past and she continued ..

Yet, I think I am comfortable with this pain, maybe i even willed it because I somehow refused to see the suffering ahead. Maybe, I needed an out ,an excuse to not try again, to say I have done my bit, in this quest. So, maybe I self sabotaged because fixing and repairing my heart and respecting it to wait for the right one is hard. So I got tired and tried to control the situation. Forcing something that was meant to be intermediate into forever time and time again.

Maybe, this is a reminder that as much as I plan, I can be surprised with unexplained joy & pain from detours. It may not be a straight road to the Promise, maybe I am the promise.  I am learning to enjoy the journey of self-discovery and happiness in one’s individuality and maybe every person we meet experiences a bit of us in their own special way. Maybe, the need to own one special person and to belong to one isn’t for everyone, maybe our purpose or my purpose is one greater than one man can bear.

 The truth, I will always hope for a life partner, a fellow traveler but I won’t be sleeping beauty, Cinderella or snow white, I am and will be me.

If any one decides to join me , he must be worthy of the person i have become and viceversa with a hell lot of explanations for where he’s been but most of all he has to have found his authentic self.

Authenticity sees itself, my soul should mirror his and be proud .For only then will this journey and forever, ever truly begin”.

As i listened and watched her , my dearest friend; i knew that she had begun a journey with a truly amazing end.

I want to be free

I don’t want despair or desperation at my doorstep. I don’t want to tire from the effort of loving you. I don’t want to be one of them constantly existing yet not living. I don’t want to pretend, I don’t. I want to wake up and greet me. I want to see my reflection and lift my shoulders high. I want to stop being ashamed of the poor choices I made. I want to stop making excuses. I want to be free from slouching, free from the mistakes of father and free to forgive myself. I want to be free.

I want to be proud to be me, I want to meet me tomorrow and see me grown. I want to be a virtuous, courteous and a proud woman comfortable in her own skin. I want to dress in bright colors and pretty clothes and not care who stares. I want to be free of these clutches that I carry. I want to be free of you, the voice in my head that rejects me, the voice that says you are not enough, the voice that criticizes me, the voice that reminds me of all the wrong places I have sought for an embrace, the voices that say I would never be loved enough, the voice that makes me think that these struggles are a part of me. I want to be free of you insecurity, the voice that says what I am is not beautiful, the voice that says all you have is your smarts, and the voice that says my looks are my curse.

 I want to be free of you, black and yellow demon of lies. My smile lights up the room, my heart recovers from all wounds, my lips are soft and give the best kisses , my skin feels velvety and tell no stories of ruin, my belly is well-rounded from good food, my moods  flourish like the full moon, I am all woman true and true and only a fool would misconstrue my eloquence as being opinionated, my frankness as being proud, my shyness as being snobbish and my feminine wiles as being slutty, I am a virtuous woman made in the likeness of my maker , I am hard-working, result oriented and an upward moving young woman.

 There is nothing wrong in loving me. I was made to be loved and I am a fountain of love. So be gone you teller of lies. Be gone, you poor judging fellow. Be gone, you strange-looking man. Be gone, voice in my head.

Dear A

Dear A,

I am glad to have experienced the past few months with you. There have been moments when I have felt like the world stopped and you & I existed alone in a cocoon. There are times that in your company I have felt so cold and alone. I have tried to think of how things would have been if I had met you 10 years earlier. When I had no experience of hurt , complication or obligation. Would I have let you in?

I am tired of hanging on to the threads of your heart , scavenging for a glimpse of emotion from you. Babe, I am tired of the rollercoaster ride. we say I love you then embrace and say nothing for days. I question your kindness at times . People constantly saying we make a cute couple but alone together I can never call you mine ,as you have never called me yours.

I wake up to your message and it brings joy but my heart and body are tired of fighting over you. you give my body unprecedented pleasure . In those moments of unbridled love-making I can swear we belong together and I know you feel it too.

I hope that I have shown you a portion of my heart , my love and my desire without contradiction. It saddens me that our relations leave me constantly over thinking and reading between lines. I look to you for closure & certainty but , it evades me . I battle for a key to your apartment, Long weekends with no interruptions, conversations about the future without trepidation. I battle for love . Yes, I battle for you.

Babe , I was born to be loved right, I was raised to be a queen for My King . I can hear you in my head saying conceited much . I wish you would treat me as your queen and not a queen.

I wish I could wait forever for you to figure you out but I can’t. So, I wish you love that gives clarity and makes your heart flutter.

Be safe ,
A

Perfect Imperfections

In theory, everything can be analysed. The strengths, weakness, opportunities and threats to any system can be accessed using SWOT, PESTLE OR Cause and effect. Is it right to do a critical analysis when you meet people? The answer in theory is yes!! And this is practised because when I walk down my street I am constantly analysing people (wow he is hot, why wont she put some more make up, smh with that face you don’t need an eyeliner!!!)

Then with the people I actually chat with, I gently probe them till I unveil the mask. This is done unconsciously yet it is done. Yet, sometimes without a full diagnostic probe I have gut feelings sometimes that a person is good.

Constantly, evaluating (its exhausting) why? Is it a fear of making a bad selection or the fear of a deep seated event recurring of being with one who I presumed good and turned out to be the opposite?

Fear, always crippling us and limiting us from achieving our best potentials. Keeping us in chains. Fear, our estranged relative who we cant seem to avoid during the holidays, fear the grade mark two points short than we imagined that makes us feel inadequate, fear of not living up to our untapped potentials.

I am perfectly imperfect, I have done a SWOT on myself and I know my weakness, I need not be reminded of my shortcomings. I remind myself daily. Yet, somehow amidst all this I feel good because in theory, analysis models are used to analyse the critical advantages of a system so as to see that if the benefits outweigh the cost and to develop the strategy for change and implementation.
 Are you drowning in your weaknesses and failing to see your strength, if you analyse this Christmas pleases start with your strength as they most definitely outweigh your weakness.

To effect change in human resource management, you must first unfreeze (change the status quo) > effect the change > then Freeze again.

 

This season is full of love and cheer, yet it’s filled with expectations, realities, we fear too much to not face, potentials we haven’t yet realized, dreams buried never abandoned. Yet, we forget the best part is we are here (our biggest strength), so we can improve.

So perfect or imperfect; 

 

Enjoy the Holidays….

 

Baggage Claim

Baggage is the luggage we carry when we are in transit. Today I owned up to myself about my emotional baggage the one I claim at my relationship entry and exit stations like the airport baggage claims when you enter a new country.

Baggage is associated with transit, so if you have one (baggage) you are a traveller (yes, you are!).

If you want to standstill and are tired of running like me (formerly a commitment phobic). You have to unpack your bag. So hiding it or forgetting it doesn’t help.

In the movie the Cinderella story (the Hillary duff version) my favorite line is “Don’t let the fear of failing stop you from playing the game”.

The pain of a heartbreak is great especially if you truly loved but is that enough reason to give up?

I don’t want to wake up at 50 and wonder what happened. It’s easy to blame the past but I guess moving on is really about the baggage. Letting go and emptying the baggage and throwing away the hurtful words said by the loved ones, the insecurities created by the situations. That is moving on for real. Baggage makes anyone tired. Are you tired?

Baggage is not unique to love affairs some of the heaviest baggage come from our families, friends and so forth. The things people said to us WITHOUT CAREFUL thought that has hung over our head for years. It is time to let it go.

I spoke with a friend yesterday and he said that we should be careful on how we treat people because our actions can affect someone’s future. The decisions they make etc. it is easy to be mean but honesty, kindness and sincerity in interactions with others comes from a sound mind and the knowledge of God.

This brings me back to the fact that once bitten, who wants to get bitten again? No one but as I used to tell a friend of mine I would rather feel pain than feel nothing at all.

Some people have the baggage immunity, those who forgive themselves easily and are not overly critical of their actions. Some others mask their baggage and carry it forever and some people find others to carry this baggage with them.

The question here is who has a baggage?

Anyone dating someone who makes them feel bad about himself or herself? (Why put up with this? the baggage)

Having a friend who doesn’t appreciate you yet you keep sucking it up? (Why put up with this? the baggage)

Anyone doing the friends with benefit (why do this? the baggage)

Why accept less than more? The baggage.

The examples are endless …

Should you run at the first sign of imperfection when you meet someone? No.

I am saying fix you first before you find someone. If you do find someone decided if the baggage they carry can be let go of? If you can’t then admit and walk away. There is no shame in that.

Subconsciously like the airport we pick up our baggage and enter into new lands with the emotional baggage. I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. I put down my baggage.

I opened my baggage and I looked inside the bag and it was full but now I know. I am dealing with it and I feel lighter already than I have felt in years.

Feel free to claim a baggage today. Cheers.