I don’t want despair or desperation at my doorstep. I don’t want to tire from the effort of loving you. I don’t want to be one of them constantly existing yet not living. I don’t want to pretend, I don’t. I want to wake up and greet me. I want to see my reflection and lift my shoulders high. I want to stop being ashamed of the poor choices I made. I want to stop making excuses. I want to be free from slouching, free from the mistakes of father and free to forgive myself. I want to be free.
I want to be proud to be me, I want to meet me tomorrow and see me grown. I want to be a virtuous, courteous and a proud woman comfortable in her own skin. I want to dress in bright colors and pretty clothes and not care who stares. I want to be free of these clutches that I carry. I want to be free of you, the voice in my head that rejects me, the voice that says you are not enough, the voice that criticizes me, the voice that reminds me of all the wrong places I have sought for an embrace, the voices that say I would never be loved enough, the voice that makes me think that these struggles are a part of me. I want to be free of you insecurity, the voice that says what I am is not beautiful, the voice that says all you have is your smarts, and the voice that says my looks are my curse.
I want to be free of you, black and yellow demon of lies. My smile lights up the room, my heart recovers from all wounds, my lips are soft and give the best kisses , my skin feels velvety and tell no stories of ruin, my belly is well-rounded from good food, my moods flourish like the full moon, I am all woman true and true and only a fool would misconstrue my eloquence as being opinionated, my frankness as being proud, my shyness as being snobbish and my feminine wiles as being slutty, I am a virtuous woman made in the likeness of my maker , I am hard-working, result oriented and an upward moving young woman.
There is nothing wrong in loving me. I was made to be loved and I am a fountain of love. So be gone you teller of lies. Be gone, you poor judging fellow. Be gone, you strange-looking man. Be gone, voice in my head.