Hey ….

Hey,

Are you ok ? I surf the Internet and see happy faces. I see tales of lives lived and I wonder how my life would have been if I had never met you. You were the guy that the books, movies and friends warned me about.

You sat beside me and you stared into my brown eyes, your sight unwavering. You were distracted by nothing; I alone existed in your mind. I was the center of the universe and you listened. You listened like an apt student. Were you trying to write a thesis? Or was it for the movies? Why were you so attentive?

Did I fall for a con man? A regular playa? You deserve an Oscar if it was a performance baby. I fell for your charm and I lay in your arms.

You kissed me, you taste like sandwich dark chocolate wafers. Your tongue melts into mine, its absurd how it felt so natural. My engine resonates to the sound of your engine. I feel unexplainable happiness when I am within a 5-mile radius of you. On my most angry days, I have hated you yet I longed for your deranged comfort. This must be toxic it can’t be love? How can I love someone who flakes at the day-to-day things? When last did we go to the mall to shop for groceries? How can I love a man who doesn’t like phone calls? Long walks and sad love songs?

It’s cruel to ignite this kind of love in a woman and ask her to be civilized baby. This is animalistic, it is basic and I can’t hide it. .

You know I wasn’t meant to love you right? I have been hurt a couple of times. So why did I feel the need to validate our connection. Why put labels on fun things? Why couldn’t I be her? The carefree, bubbly happy version of me? Why did I have the need to show you my poetry? Or tell you about my scars?

Why didn’t I hide when your eyes undressed my soul? Why did I let you read my poetry? Why did I share my darkness with you? Why did I not dilute me? Why did I think you were the man for the job? Why did I let you meet her? The lady miss pinky strings, she danced to all the tunes you played like she and your guy Johnny bee had played in the same band in a previous life. It felt so right I was sure it wasn’t wrong.

You are not my first rodeo; somehow it hurts that you may not be my last. I watch you from a distance sometimes and I wonder? Have you been fed? Do they make you laugh? Does her lips taste like waffles?

Does anyone tiptoe to kiss you goodbye? Are you happy?

Do you call her daily? Do you hold hands and kiss her like you kissed me? (I am smiling is that even possible)? I am kidding (stop shaking your head, I am not conceited, lol).

I miss the life I imagined for us in my head. I imagined us raising an army of the crazies (beautiful, intelligent and artsy kids). One of each. I imagined road trips and vacations in Italy. I imagined runways and walkways in Egypt. I imagined New Year’s Eve in New York.

Now , I imagine breakfast with scrambled eggs, I imagine him doing crossword puzzles; I imagine a life full of surprises because I learned I can’t plan it all. I haven’t met him yet , but I know he would love my awkward dance and my funny sense of style. Best of all he would love to have babies with me, and never give up on us. I swear to do right by him, if I could love you so fiercely, imagine what I could do with him?

I have held on and warmed the bench in your life for so long. I almost forgot how to play the game. Be happy, my friend may love never leave you alone and may you never need a hand to hold.

Arrivederci

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A Journey !

talking 2

Andrea, started her tale to me ” This Pain is from ages past, Unresolved grudges, rejection from people unknown, staring at my difference, my shyness and my struggle to stand out, the struggle between been normal, average or extraordinary, to shut out the voices in my head or to listen, the pain is from thinking I wasn’t enough, and maybe if I worked harder, fixed the exterior, and the interior made it acceptable to all maybe I will find someone accepting of me, maybe I would find love.

Yet, I have travelled many places, who can love a chameleon, true to itself yet adapting with every environment? Instead of being a peacock I made myself smaller and bigger as the case required ( it seemed like the smart thing to do) . How could I have been so lost? So hungry for affection to not appreciate this perfect piece of art?

Who heals our soul, when its been grazed? When betrayal and rejection taunts the core? What mends us? When we are so afraid to feel the pain?

The heartache or heartbreak doesn’t ruins us, rather the taste of our lovers past that haunts us and reminds us how penetrable we can be.

We are not as closed off as we think we are. Pain reminds us of our humanity and this breaks us even more. I hoped my walls were made high enough, that all I could manage was an august visitor every now and again but the heart suprises us with its strength, it tempts our humanity and betrays us more than we bargain because some of us are born all heart and no matter how closed off we seem, we long for a more intimate existence one enriched with effort, living not just existing.

How have I been so wrong? Chasing a dream, that anyone can complete me? When I myself i am incomplete? That is wishful thinking, to be a peacock is to be one’s authentic self, unapologetic for your awesomeness. A peacock does what a peacock does, to be the best peacock ever is the dream rather than living a life of a pigeon.

she looked at me and stared, peace strangely came to her, knowledge of her struggles past and she continued ..

Yet, I think I am comfortable with this pain, maybe i even willed it because I somehow refused to see the suffering ahead. Maybe, I needed an out ,an excuse to not try again, to say I have done my bit, in this quest. So, maybe I self sabotaged because fixing and repairing my heart and respecting it to wait for the right one is hard. So I got tired and tried to control the situation. Forcing something that was meant to be intermediate into forever time and time again.

Maybe, this is a reminder that as much as I plan, I can be surprised with unexplained joy & pain from detours. It may not be a straight road to the Promise, maybe I am the promise.  I am learning to enjoy the journey of self-discovery and happiness in one’s individuality and maybe every person we meet experiences a bit of us in their own special way. Maybe, the need to own one special person and to belong to one isn’t for everyone, maybe our purpose or my purpose is one greater than one man can bear.

 The truth, I will always hope for a life partner, a fellow traveler but I won’t be sleeping beauty, Cinderella or snow white, I am and will be me.

If any one decides to join me , he must be worthy of the person i have become and viceversa with a hell lot of explanations for where he’s been but most of all he has to have found his authentic self.

Authenticity sees itself, my soul should mirror his and be proud .For only then will this journey and forever, ever truly begin”.

As i listened and watched her , my dearest friend; i knew that she had begun a journey with a truly amazing end.

My Romantic heart is Dead

This maybe the last piece I will ever write on love; as my quest has been tumultuous and time consuming and has led to no fruition. I achieved nothing in this quest except the bitter truth that love is not enough.

The reality is that love works under certain conditions for it to be true, timing must be appropriate, family has to approve (if not you both feel shunned), history at least for the girl must be the barest minimum, your occupation should be noble and your background should be similar or close enough.

New requirements include social media status, the number of likes on the girls page should be equal to that of her mans, society approval of compatibility is key, don’t forget music lovers must stick together #Artgang

What happened to soul compatibility?

What happened to the honesty of a kiss that’s unadulterated by lust?

What happened to the clear indications of happiness? Talking to that person forever and not noticing time fly by?

What happened to hugs that warm up your heart?

What happened to similar hunger to succeed?

What happened to the quest for knowledge and renewed passion?

What happened to true friendship?

What happened to someone who makes you feel safe by saying hello. What happened to what we feel?

Are we all destined to be cowards? Where are the poets? Who wrote sonnets of unrequited love, what happened to Shakespeare’s tale? Is romance dead with the jet age or are our hearts too weak to fight for what we feel?

Am I the only one clueless on the joke? Is true love dead?   The answer doesn’t matter I am all out of tricks and I am laying my heart to rest for only my unborn will ever reawaken her to the maximum capacity. no man’s words, caresses will ever inspire her resurrection.

I am Florence Warmate and my romantic heart is dead.

Goodnight.

Dear A

Dear A,

I am glad to have experienced the past few months with you. There have been moments when I have felt like the world stopped and you & I existed alone in a cocoon. There are times that in your company I have felt so cold and alone. I have tried to think of how things would have been if I had met you 10 years earlier. When I had no experience of hurt , complication or obligation. Would I have let you in?

I am tired of hanging on to the threads of your heart , scavenging for a glimpse of emotion from you. Babe, I am tired of the rollercoaster ride. we say I love you then embrace and say nothing for days. I question your kindness at times . People constantly saying we make a cute couple but alone together I can never call you mine ,as you have never called me yours.

I wake up to your message and it brings joy but my heart and body are tired of fighting over you. you give my body unprecedented pleasure . In those moments of unbridled love-making I can swear we belong together and I know you feel it too.

I hope that I have shown you a portion of my heart , my love and my desire without contradiction. It saddens me that our relations leave me constantly over thinking and reading between lines. I look to you for closure & certainty but , it evades me . I battle for a key to your apartment, Long weekends with no interruptions, conversations about the future without trepidation. I battle for love . Yes, I battle for you.

Babe , I was born to be loved right, I was raised to be a queen for My King . I can hear you in my head saying conceited much . I wish you would treat me as your queen and not a queen.

I wish I could wait forever for you to figure you out but I can’t. So, I wish you love that gives clarity and makes your heart flutter.

Be safe ,
A

My Forever

Dear My Forever,

 

How was your day ? A nightmare ? I hope not. Work was fine but thoughts of you crossed my mind . Le Lover , Boo , its taking forever for us to be together and since my first letter to you several experiments have happened. I seem to find bits of you in different men but not all of you. I was with Sammy the other day and I kept thinking how perfect it would be if the both of you knew each other and we could all be friends. I love you and I have since I created the idea of you my love.

I have written poems for you , dreamed of birthing a son and daughter for you. Raising a family with you but you remain in my dreams and are constantly hiding from my reality. Are you ashamed of me ? I’m I not good enough for you ? Are you chasing your own fairytale as I have chased you for years? Do you love me?

I wait for you when I line up at the bank to pay my bills, I look for you when the traffic lights turn red. At the pub the other day I kept starring at the entrance waiting for you to walk into my life. Baby, for real why do you walk so slow?  I stole a hug from Brian he feels warm and comfortable and he makes me laugh with his funny impressions. Are you Brian?

Baby, talk to me , I am tired of waiting for my love life to start . I am bored of kissing frogs to find my prince, I want to wake up next to you every morning and kiss you good night everyday. I want to make love to you with every ounce of my body and love you as though today is my last . Please let me love you. Please come home to me , send me a ping, an email or a text or pick up the phone and say hello.

I love you and I am waiting for our future to begin

 

Love always,

Love

Laura Andrews

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As Laura Andrews wore her favourite pink heels out of her apartment she knew today would be the day men prayed to God for a miracle. She strutted them like a pro off the runway. Her date was with her newest broker Mr. Miles Mufasa, He is of south African descent but born and raised in England , so you could taste his accent when he smiled . His perfume was delicate yet masculine a perfect british lay . Her Phone a samsung galaxy S3 rang and she danced a little to the tune with her shoulders swaying from right to left ( of course it was the beyonce’s song “who runs the world? ” girls song) . Immediately she heard his voice her inside resolve started to melt away , she wanted this man to touch her core .There was something in his voice pulling her towards him .she didn’t realize that he was cancelling their date till he said ” rain check darling”. who does that ? get a girl hot & bothered and cancel because you have a blablabla… meeting with your bosses friend. she sighed ,these heels can’t go to waste. she started scrolling through her whatsapp for the next available cutie. she let out a subtle chuckle at the name Leman Banks. They had met at a mall a few weeks ago and had coffee but she didn’t see potentials with a man who cared more about his looks than her but she was a beggar at this point so she can’t choose, so he would do for tonight. she sent him a blushing smiley and after the pleasantries : she told him that she was up & about and wanted to do dinner at his .. Did he mind? of course he said HELL nO.. (who are we kidding?) she rang alicia and told her not to wait up, and headed towards Vain Leman . As she rung the bell , she began to doubt her actions, was this rushed , too impulsive and then decided whatever we only live once. As Leman opened the door he looked as usual : smart casual sexy , smelled like bvlgari man extreme, she gave him a side hug and a peck on the cheek. She showed herself to the sitting area and there was Miles …………. To be Continued…..

Why do we get married ?

Why do people get married ?  sally asked barbara as they sipped martinis . i smiled i am so over Mr. Blue with his mixed signal after the horrible double date with the marleys i swear being single isn’t that bad.

 

Yesterday , i went to a pool party and met samson, emmanuel, joel , jerry and steve , three out of five of them were married. They carried on like they had no cares in the world . As the games began ( the drinking games ) i saw them ogle like teenagers after their first wet dream.  it raised the question why do we get married?

Jerry 45 , hot dude , four and  a half packs, a middle management executive in a government a parastatal with 2 kids and 1 in the oven.. , Joey 36 , married last year came with his young mistress who is 21 years old, no kids,  emmanuel , 40 , 4 kids married 8 years . 

SaLLY Johnson , food of the Gods , we ogled her : men , women, girls , boys and cats etc. the random passersby only hoped to catch a glimpse of this miracle. she stood before me in her blue and white bikini . Her curves seem like they were carved in marble , fine and smooth as she just came out of the pool , water  dripping from her to her backside i smile as she says scoot . I squint ,  I don’t want water on my denim. 

 

SaLLY gets chatty over a glass of scotch and before long she tells me about brian her childhood lover who she married after high school but they were currently separated and she was dating his friend chris who is married to cassandra( kardashians can you keep up with my gal SaLLY?).

 

Brain was 36 when he met SaLLY who was barely 16 but with raging hormones and he was nice and matured . Different from the high school boys  , her parents were against the romance but with a lot of wooing of her parents they were married in 16 weeks. three years down the road all brain wanted was kids , kids , kids and work. After a couple of work trips and late nights . she started calling chris to complain and one day she made out with him on the couch. That was the beginning of the end . Brain found out and kicked her out but she was back on her feet. Chris set up an apartment for her with a monthly allowance . I smiled and looked at my wristwatch when will this tale end( i get it , you’re hot and men want to take care of you …duh!!!!) she holds my hands and says  ” i want to get married again”

 

Why do we get Married

Mr. Blue

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The outcome of last night events makes me stutter , as i recount them to my best friend, men , do i become sour . my eyes all puffed out : my lips form a full pout. me ? why now ? he said all these mean things , he didn’t mean . why now? Please give me some sauce Ross.. the intermission is over and the movie continues with Diana Ross playing softly in the back ground…..

Blue isn’t the kind of man to run his mouth off . so when he started to ramble i had to listen. In my head several thoughts came to mind . Who is she ? his new Prima donna ? he couldn’t still love me and hate me at the same time. I stared as his lips parted , words spewed out yet i heard nothing. Random ramblings, i am my own woman now , i am defined by my choices not anyones opinion. i tossed and turned in my head . Do i shut him up with a kiss? Did i miss this ? i unknowingly hiss. he’s pissed . He starts to babble about respect thats when i loose it?

Every aspect of my life is a sham, at work i am called goody too shoes, amongst friends : i’m Attila the Hun : my Ex’s : call me the Bully , at home : i AM the one who cannot be Named ? who cares ? i am who i am and what i am is amazing.. sammy pass me the remote..

Diego and maria lives are dull compared to mine …( she smiles & the curtains close)

The End

FB couples

Aside

I stare at FB pictures and I see the couples looking picture perfect. The fathers look extremely excited by carrying their newborns, the wives look proud and loving at their accomplishment. I wonder if I would ever look like them (the perfect couples)

I have taken sappy photos with the Lover at some point (those pictures with your faces pressed against each other and I looked a million miles away from reality, I looked happy)

The lover and I have reached those unwritten finished lines, fundamental differences, the honeymoon phase is long gone, the reality phase, memories away .All I see now are the differences and why we can’t be together forever. Today, The Facebook pictures remind me how conflicting my choices are from my needs and wants.

Why haven’t I ever picked the easy guy? The one with whom I foresee no possible drama? (The sure thing in relationships, we all know this)

Do I love in small doses? Thrive on complexity and enjoy singleness and pretend to want forever. Or have I been dealt poor cards in this game of love?

I don’t know and please don’t tell me because I want to wake up everyday with endless possibilities and answering this question will ruin the surprise.

Torn

The lover and I have been reunited after several strained Internet conversations,phone calls , texts,  a 7hours flight and a 2hour train ride.

I haven’t seen sunlight in days, I think I maybe going dark. The endless texting is no longer required. I lie next to him in bed and I feel inspired. I am alive!!!!!

The passers by look so sad as I watch them through the window. Who has what I have?

I have missed his scent on the sheets, his muffled grunts in his sleep. My lover 🙂 I never get tired of the sound of that.

After 105hours of unbridled passion reality has caught up with me. Now I want to step out of bed and paint like Picasso, or sing like Whitney .In this moment I am torn between happiness and the fear of loosing myself.

I want to escape my womanhood; the clutches of my biological clock and love this man but I hear voices of my babies unborn and I am torn. I want to embrace the strength that makes me want his love to move mountains.

 I want to be woman and wolf!! Free & not alone, married & not shackled.  I want to be an achiever yet a giver, truly a lover and mother.

How do I find balance? How do I find me?

 

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