A Journey !

talking 2

Andrea, started her tale to me ” This Pain is from ages past, Unresolved grudges, rejection from people unknown, staring at my difference, my shyness and my struggle to stand out, the struggle between been normal, average or extraordinary, to shut out the voices in my head or to listen, the pain is from thinking I wasn’t enough, and maybe if I worked harder, fixed the exterior, and the interior made it acceptable to all maybe I will find someone accepting of me, maybe I would find love.

Yet, I have travelled many places, who can love a chameleon, true to itself yet adapting with every environment? Instead of being a peacock I made myself smaller and bigger as the case required ( it seemed like the smart thing to do) . How could I have been so lost? So hungry for affection to not appreciate this perfect piece of art?

Who heals our soul, when its been grazed? When betrayal and rejection taunts the core? What mends us? When we are so afraid to feel the pain?

The heartache or heartbreak doesn’t ruins us, rather the taste of our lovers past that haunts us and reminds us how penetrable we can be.

We are not as closed off as we think we are. Pain reminds us of our humanity and this breaks us even more. I hoped my walls were made high enough, that all I could manage was an august visitor every now and again but the heart suprises us with its strength, it tempts our humanity and betrays us more than we bargain because some of us are born all heart and no matter how closed off we seem, we long for a more intimate existence one enriched with effort, living not just existing.

How have I been so wrong? Chasing a dream, that anyone can complete me? When I myself i am incomplete? That is wishful thinking, to be a peacock is to be one’s authentic self, unapologetic for your awesomeness. A peacock does what a peacock does, to be the best peacock ever is the dream rather than living a life of a pigeon.

she looked at me and stared, peace strangely came to her, knowledge of her struggles past and she continued ..

Yet, I think I am comfortable with this pain, maybe i even willed it because I somehow refused to see the suffering ahead. Maybe, I needed an out ,an excuse to not try again, to say I have done my bit, in this quest. So, maybe I self sabotaged because fixing and repairing my heart and respecting it to wait for the right one is hard. So I got tired and tried to control the situation. Forcing something that was meant to be intermediate into forever time and time again.

Maybe, this is a reminder that as much as I plan, I can be surprised with unexplained joy & pain from detours. It may not be a straight road to the Promise, maybe I am the promise.  I am learning to enjoy the journey of self-discovery and happiness in one’s individuality and maybe every person we meet experiences a bit of us in their own special way. Maybe, the need to own one special person and to belong to one isn’t for everyone, maybe our purpose or my purpose is one greater than one man can bear.

 The truth, I will always hope for a life partner, a fellow traveler but I won’t be sleeping beauty, Cinderella or snow white, I am and will be me.

If any one decides to join me , he must be worthy of the person i have become and viceversa with a hell lot of explanations for where he’s been but most of all he has to have found his authentic self.

Authenticity sees itself, my soul should mirror his and be proud .For only then will this journey and forever, ever truly begin”.

As i listened and watched her , my dearest friend; i knew that she had begun a journey with a truly amazing end.

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Dear Daughter,

Dear Natalie,

This letter should come to you as no surprise, as I hope the years we have spent so far together have been joyful and light-hearted. As you turn 16, I hope we are closer than ever because today though you are unborn I find myself closer to you than ever.

I met your father when I had almost given up on the idea of happily ever after, I am a hopeless romantic and there were nights I prayed to God to change me but in the end I always hope for the kind of love that enriches life and not sucks you dry. We met at a book reading, nothing fancy but he found me pleasant and charming, fun-loving yet stern, my awkwardness, and eeriness he considered creepy yet endearing. He worships the ground I walk on and even till date when I am not looking I catch him staring at me as though he can’t imagine his luck for having found me. As you know your pa was hell-bent on ending up alone but the thought of living life without me made him take the plunge.

I hope you never get to the point of giving up, or settling for less than you deserve because you need a hug. I know today that thought seems ridiculous but believe me it happens to the best of us, I dated lots of great men and boys but my heart never felt such joy as the day I had you ( in my mind you were conceived first), you made me rediscover purpose and you are a result of a mind-blowing love.

Someone asked me what is so bad with my reality that I am stuck on fairy tales; he obviously hasn’t read lots of books. fairy tales teaches us hope despite what life throws at us, the end is always happy. Why should I settle for ordinary when the extraordinary is available?

Who wants a marriage of convenience? My quest for true love was filled with tales of woe and heartaches and pain but it was worth it. I wish I had been smarter with my heart, a little more patient in my decision-making process but I can’t spend eternity dwelling on the past. I loved and lost till I found a love that transcended imperfections and childish connotations, I found a friend and a lover, a champion and a warrior, I found my King and I wish that for you my dear.

When it comes to dealing with people:

Listen to their actions, not words

Never make haste to make a decision

A non decision is a decision

Friends first before lovers

Friendship shows true character and only out of that can you find love

Take your own advice, if your heads says its wrong it probably is

Never regret trying

If you fail, don’t give up, try again

People make time for things they love

If you can’t see their souls they are not worth it

If you won’t do the work don’t start

Never toy with anyone’s feelings

Be honest and brave

Guard your heart and your soul, never lose it no matter how bad the other person treats you, remain you

Never mind the ones who make you feel ordinary. You are a miracle, a result of a love people consider impossible. Everyday, I thank GOD for the privilege of having you, so don’t let a two-piece hack tell you different.

If there ever is a man alive who doesn’t think you are enough; he probably isn’t enough for you either so don’t cry too long. For the right man you will be enough.

Don’t let the clusters of people’s past get you stuck in a nightmare, their history isn’t yours, you are great and are loved. Today and always and if no one tells you in this lifetime, I am your mother and I love you to bits.

Forever,

Mum

Daniel Thompson

Aside

I accidentally ran into an ex recently, Daniel Thompson, 36 , Brown eyes , Bulky build, and he wore his ring like handcuffs . He looked downtrodden. Perhaps, that’s how I choose to see him. We exchanged pleasantries and not long after. He asked me “Still single right? “. He had this sadness to his eyes; it wasn’t the judgmental stare that my married female friends give me when the see me at the mall on Saturday with my shorts and tank top. He looked genuinely worried, we dated a while back but it never got to the point where I could say I do or he would drop on one knee and ask the question. We had a kind of love but we kept our lives separate and never overindulged in each other’s affairs, no jealous squabbles (A very mature relationship some would say) of course, I found it boring that, he would never throw me on the bed and kiss me till I run out of breath. I found it annoying that he could never lose his calm when I was stubborn for no good reason. It felt like a business transaction to me and I promised me long ago if it’s not a fiery all-consuming love I would never marry. (We all know why, I am still single now). He grabbed my hand and I followed him, I said good-bye to my shopping cart and looked forward to tea and salad.
After, the red-haired waitress took our order after grilling us over and over about mayonnaise. He began to tell his story ” Evelyn and I dated shortly after I met you, she is a doctor (he looks to me as though I should know this so I nod) and her deposition when we were dating was one full of care and nurturing (he lowered his eyes again, he had complained that I wasn’t caring because I didn’t make a fuss every time he told me about his hypochondriac symptoms). We dated 2 years and got married. She was a virgin ( I smile, interesting) . After the honeymoon she got pregnant and we had our daughter Shelia. She quit work and decided to be a stay at home mum and I agreed because I loved her (yea, right). After giving birth to Shelia, she moved to the baby room and eats, sleeps breathes the baby. (Where is he going with this?) .I get a nanny Matilda to assist Shelia with the chores so we can bond and now she factors Matilda into everything. I got home from work earlier today and found them in bed together so I stormed off and ended up here. What do you think I should do Clara?”(I try to speak but I say nothing& thank God I am single, at times like this no attachment looks good, while preparing me to give advice that I am not qualified to give).

My Forever

Dear My Forever,

 

How was your day ? A nightmare ? I hope not. Work was fine but thoughts of you crossed my mind . Le Lover , Boo , its taking forever for us to be together and since my first letter to you several experiments have happened. I seem to find bits of you in different men but not all of you. I was with Sammy the other day and I kept thinking how perfect it would be if the both of you knew each other and we could all be friends. I love you and I have since I created the idea of you my love.

I have written poems for you , dreamed of birthing a son and daughter for you. Raising a family with you but you remain in my dreams and are constantly hiding from my reality. Are you ashamed of me ? I’m I not good enough for you ? Are you chasing your own fairytale as I have chased you for years? Do you love me?

I wait for you when I line up at the bank to pay my bills, I look for you when the traffic lights turn red. At the pub the other day I kept starring at the entrance waiting for you to walk into my life. Baby, for real why do you walk so slow?  I stole a hug from Brian he feels warm and comfortable and he makes me laugh with his funny impressions. Are you Brian?

Baby, talk to me , I am tired of waiting for my love life to start . I am bored of kissing frogs to find my prince, I want to wake up next to you every morning and kiss you good night everyday. I want to make love to you with every ounce of my body and love you as though today is my last . Please let me love you. Please come home to me , send me a ping, an email or a text or pick up the phone and say hello.

I love you and I am waiting for our future to begin

 

Love always,

Love

Why do we get married ?

Why do people get married ?  sally asked barbara as they sipped martinis . i smiled i am so over Mr. Blue with his mixed signal after the horrible double date with the marleys i swear being single isn’t that bad.

 

Yesterday , i went to a pool party and met samson, emmanuel, joel , jerry and steve , three out of five of them were married. They carried on like they had no cares in the world . As the games began ( the drinking games ) i saw them ogle like teenagers after their first wet dream.  it raised the question why do we get married?

Jerry 45 , hot dude , four and  a half packs, a middle management executive in a government a parastatal with 2 kids and 1 in the oven.. , Joey 36 , married last year came with his young mistress who is 21 years old, no kids,  emmanuel , 40 , 4 kids married 8 years . 

SaLLY Johnson , food of the Gods , we ogled her : men , women, girls , boys and cats etc. the random passersby only hoped to catch a glimpse of this miracle. she stood before me in her blue and white bikini . Her curves seem like they were carved in marble , fine and smooth as she just came out of the pool , water  dripping from her to her backside i smile as she says scoot . I squint ,  I don’t want water on my denim. 

 

SaLLY gets chatty over a glass of scotch and before long she tells me about brian her childhood lover who she married after high school but they were currently separated and she was dating his friend chris who is married to cassandra( kardashians can you keep up with my gal SaLLY?).

 

Brain was 36 when he met SaLLY who was barely 16 but with raging hormones and he was nice and matured . Different from the high school boys  , her parents were against the romance but with a lot of wooing of her parents they were married in 16 weeks. three years down the road all brain wanted was kids , kids , kids and work. After a couple of work trips and late nights . she started calling chris to complain and one day she made out with him on the couch. That was the beginning of the end . Brain found out and kicked her out but she was back on her feet. Chris set up an apartment for her with a monthly allowance . I smiled and looked at my wristwatch when will this tale end( i get it , you’re hot and men want to take care of you …duh!!!!) she holds my hands and says  ” i want to get married again”

 

Why do we get Married

Torn

The lover and I have been reunited after several strained Internet conversations,phone calls , texts,  a 7hours flight and a 2hour train ride.

I haven’t seen sunlight in days, I think I maybe going dark. The endless texting is no longer required. I lie next to him in bed and I feel inspired. I am alive!!!!!

The passers by look so sad as I watch them through the window. Who has what I have?

I have missed his scent on the sheets, his muffled grunts in his sleep. My lover 🙂 I never get tired of the sound of that.

After 105hours of unbridled passion reality has caught up with me. Now I want to step out of bed and paint like Picasso, or sing like Whitney .In this moment I am torn between happiness and the fear of loosing myself.

I want to escape my womanhood; the clutches of my biological clock and love this man but I hear voices of my babies unborn and I am torn. I want to embrace the strength that makes me want his love to move mountains.

 I want to be woman and wolf!! Free & not alone, married & not shackled.  I want to be an achiever yet a giver, truly a lover and mother.

How do I find balance? How do I find me?

 

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BitterSweet

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Hey babe,

Like dark chocolate , the bitter sweet phase of the relationship is here. I used to get tired by how often you called. You would facetime , Skype , text, bb and whatsapp me about the tiniest details in your day. The days have started to go by when we hardly chat at each other. How do i know its just a phase ? a rough patch couples go through when life gets in the way ?

Im i supposed to keep trying so you notice i am still here or should i cut my losses and disappear.  I call you and i dont hear the excitement in your voice and i know we are miles apart but what kind of relationship cant stand a little rough patch?

I keep telling everyone i meet about you and show them pictures of our life .. Today it seems like a lot of lifetimes ago. Babe, I need you to need me. I need us to try if this is worth fighting for.

Till date i have never loved any as hard as i love you . Yet, it seems that somewhere in your mind you are giving up on us. I am torn between my heart and my head. swoon in and ease my fears. Be the predator i love.

Crush these doubts to bits and be my knight with shining armour( this sounds ridiculous)  . I miss us and as days pass i fear there are darker days ahead.

Come back home to me baby. Come home, Mummy needs you , I need you..

your lover,

xxx