I am You

It has been a while,

Yet, once again i feel like i am standing on a cliff,

The end of the road, yet it feels like a beginning,

I look back and all i see is fragments of a life well spent,

I look ahead and see clarity and peace,

Somehow, i see adventures in the clouds,

Decisions are always easy to make for me,

Yet, today i freeze,

I freeze at the idea of the woman i used to be,

I look at the woman i am,

Then i see a woman i could be,

Yet somehow i have always felt like the woman i should be,

The woman i am regardless,

Of who and what i choose to be,

I am her tall and proud,

Happy or sad,

I am all she has got and i am glad i finally found her.

I am intoxicated at the idea of the journeys we are going to embark on,

The journey of life.

I am so glad i met her and it’s been a privilege going through the storm to find her.

I am art, well crafted,

Molded and well-formed,

Detailed and filled with depth and color,

I am beautiful and I am  you.

 

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Hey ….

Hey,

Are you ok ? I surf the Internet and see happy faces. I see tales of lives lived and I wonder how my life would have been if I had never met you. You were the guy that the books, movies and friends warned me about.

You sat beside me and you stared into my brown eyes, your sight unwavering. You were distracted by nothing; I alone existed in your mind. I was the center of the universe and you listened. You listened like an apt student. Were you trying to write a thesis? Or was it for the movies? Why were you so attentive?

Did I fall for a con man? A regular playa? You deserve an Oscar if it was a performance baby. I fell for your charm and I lay in your arms.

You kissed me, you taste like sandwich dark chocolate wafers. Your tongue melts into mine, its absurd how it felt so natural. My engine resonates to the sound of your engine. I feel unexplainable happiness when I am within a 5-mile radius of you. On my most angry days, I have hated you yet I longed for your deranged comfort. This must be toxic it can’t be love? How can I love someone who flakes at the day-to-day things? When last did we go to the mall to shop for groceries? How can I love a man who doesn’t like phone calls? Long walks and sad love songs?

It’s cruel to ignite this kind of love in a woman and ask her to be civilized baby. This is animalistic, it is basic and I can’t hide it. .

You know I wasn’t meant to love you right? I have been hurt a couple of times. So why did I feel the need to validate our connection. Why put labels on fun things? Why couldn’t I be her? The carefree, bubbly happy version of me? Why did I have the need to show you my poetry? Or tell you about my scars?

Why didn’t I hide when your eyes undressed my soul? Why did I let you read my poetry? Why did I share my darkness with you? Why did I not dilute me? Why did I think you were the man for the job? Why did I let you meet her? The lady miss pinky strings, she danced to all the tunes you played like she and your guy Johnny bee had played in the same band in a previous life. It felt so right I was sure it wasn’t wrong.

You are not my first rodeo; somehow it hurts that you may not be my last. I watch you from a distance sometimes and I wonder? Have you been fed? Do they make you laugh? Does her lips taste like waffles?

Does anyone tiptoe to kiss you goodbye? Are you happy?

Do you call her daily? Do you hold hands and kiss her like you kissed me? (I am smiling is that even possible)? I am kidding (stop shaking your head, I am not conceited, lol).

I miss the life I imagined for us in my head. I imagined us raising an army of the crazies (beautiful, intelligent and artsy kids). One of each. I imagined road trips and vacations in Italy. I imagined runways and walkways in Egypt. I imagined New Year’s Eve in New York.

Now , I imagine breakfast with scrambled eggs, I imagine him doing crossword puzzles; I imagine a life full of surprises because I learned I can’t plan it all. I haven’t met him yet , but I know he would love my awkward dance and my funny sense of style. Best of all he would love to have babies with me, and never give up on us. I swear to do right by him, if I could love you so fiercely, imagine what I could do with him?

I have held on and warmed the bench in your life for so long. I almost forgot how to play the game. Be happy, my friend may love never leave you alone and may you never need a hand to hold.

Arrivederci

Cassie

Cassie hand’s  were on the steering, she smiled as she looked at her well-manicured nude nails. She had to give it to the manicurist her nails were on fleek. She was heading to the mall to kill some time before her dinner date with Anderson.Anderson was the one who got away, they had bumped into each other during her morning runs, he had moved in to an apartment two streets away from her’s and like her, he was still single.

Andy was a bit bulky nothing like what she’s used-to the stocky, muscular guys with mysterious eyes. He never looked haunted or dressed like an artist. He is a type A husband looking guy. He looked like he would be the president of the PTA and would love taking the kids to the park but when they had met  years ago , she was 26 , skinny and hopeful. Andy seemed like a cliche , a smart decision , nothing extraordinary and definitely the safe choice . There were no butterflies with Andy: he did what he said. He was boring and she had always wanted the spark but four years later and a million sparks away, at 30, Andy seemed like the dream. He didn’t play games, he was sweet, but divorced twice and had 3 kids from two women. He seems like a lot of work,  yet , somehow he was work she seemed willing to do.

Akin hurried into the jersey shop to get his name printed on the back, the boys were going to watch the games together at a bar and it was a jersey and kicks night. He wanted to fit in. As he came out of the Adidas store he saw blonde highlights in contrast to her brown skin and with the lighting at the mall she looked like a screen goddess, the kind that always plays the mistress (Don’t do this Akin, you are not ready to date) he said to himself and waited a whole minute but before long he was at the bottom of the escalator trailing her.

She entered the bookstore and went to the fantasy section (reality sucks and she picked a classic M& B and delved into the pages). “ Hello, I am Akin and you are?” he said this with what his friends call the chick magnet smile. She looked up at this African American man and said to herself (he thinks because we share the same complexion, we are meant to be?) yet, she smiled and said “cassie, hello ”.

He sat down next to her and said “ Alex looks into Mary’s eyes and they both know this is something special, they are meant to be… why do you read this crap?”. She laughed and said, “ Because it has never happened to me, doesn’t make it crap but what do I know? I would rather dream than accept that we are all meant to be unhappy and make smart choices with our partners”.

They chatted for hours before she realized it was 10 mins to 9, Andy time. Would it be Safe Andy or Akin the spark?

A Journey !

talking 2

Andrea, started her tale to me ” This Pain is from ages past, Unresolved grudges, rejection from people unknown, staring at my difference, my shyness and my struggle to stand out, the struggle between been normal, average or extraordinary, to shut out the voices in my head or to listen, the pain is from thinking I wasn’t enough, and maybe if I worked harder, fixed the exterior, and the interior made it acceptable to all maybe I will find someone accepting of me, maybe I would find love.

Yet, I have travelled many places, who can love a chameleon, true to itself yet adapting with every environment? Instead of being a peacock I made myself smaller and bigger as the case required ( it seemed like the smart thing to do) . How could I have been so lost? So hungry for affection to not appreciate this perfect piece of art?

Who heals our soul, when its been grazed? When betrayal and rejection taunts the core? What mends us? When we are so afraid to feel the pain?

The heartache or heartbreak doesn’t ruins us, rather the taste of our lovers past that haunts us and reminds us how penetrable we can be.

We are not as closed off as we think we are. Pain reminds us of our humanity and this breaks us even more. I hoped my walls were made high enough, that all I could manage was an august visitor every now and again but the heart suprises us with its strength, it tempts our humanity and betrays us more than we bargain because some of us are born all heart and no matter how closed off we seem, we long for a more intimate existence one enriched with effort, living not just existing.

How have I been so wrong? Chasing a dream, that anyone can complete me? When I myself i am incomplete? That is wishful thinking, to be a peacock is to be one’s authentic self, unapologetic for your awesomeness. A peacock does what a peacock does, to be the best peacock ever is the dream rather than living a life of a pigeon.

she looked at me and stared, peace strangely came to her, knowledge of her struggles past and she continued ..

Yet, I think I am comfortable with this pain, maybe i even willed it because I somehow refused to see the suffering ahead. Maybe, I needed an out ,an excuse to not try again, to say I have done my bit, in this quest. So, maybe I self sabotaged because fixing and repairing my heart and respecting it to wait for the right one is hard. So I got tired and tried to control the situation. Forcing something that was meant to be intermediate into forever time and time again.

Maybe, this is a reminder that as much as I plan, I can be surprised with unexplained joy & pain from detours. It may not be a straight road to the Promise, maybe I am the promise.  I am learning to enjoy the journey of self-discovery and happiness in one’s individuality and maybe every person we meet experiences a bit of us in their own special way. Maybe, the need to own one special person and to belong to one isn’t for everyone, maybe our purpose or my purpose is one greater than one man can bear.

 The truth, I will always hope for a life partner, a fellow traveler but I won’t be sleeping beauty, Cinderella or snow white, I am and will be me.

If any one decides to join me , he must be worthy of the person i have become and viceversa with a hell lot of explanations for where he’s been but most of all he has to have found his authentic self.

Authenticity sees itself, my soul should mirror his and be proud .For only then will this journey and forever, ever truly begin”.

As i listened and watched her , my dearest friend; i knew that she had begun a journey with a truly amazing end.

Dear Daughter,

Dear Natalie,

This letter should come to you as no surprise, as I hope the years we have spent so far together have been joyful and light-hearted. As you turn 16, I hope we are closer than ever because today though you are unborn I find myself closer to you than ever.

I met your father when I had almost given up on the idea of happily ever after, I am a hopeless romantic and there were nights I prayed to God to change me but in the end I always hope for the kind of love that enriches life and not sucks you dry. We met at a book reading, nothing fancy but he found me pleasant and charming, fun-loving yet stern, my awkwardness, and eeriness he considered creepy yet endearing. He worships the ground I walk on and even till date when I am not looking I catch him staring at me as though he can’t imagine his luck for having found me. As you know your pa was hell-bent on ending up alone but the thought of living life without me made him take the plunge.

I hope you never get to the point of giving up, or settling for less than you deserve because you need a hug. I know today that thought seems ridiculous but believe me it happens to the best of us, I dated lots of great men and boys but my heart never felt such joy as the day I had you ( in my mind you were conceived first), you made me rediscover purpose and you are a result of a mind-blowing love.

Someone asked me what is so bad with my reality that I am stuck on fairy tales; he obviously hasn’t read lots of books. fairy tales teaches us hope despite what life throws at us, the end is always happy. Why should I settle for ordinary when the extraordinary is available?

Who wants a marriage of convenience? My quest for true love was filled with tales of woe and heartaches and pain but it was worth it. I wish I had been smarter with my heart, a little more patient in my decision-making process but I can’t spend eternity dwelling on the past. I loved and lost till I found a love that transcended imperfections and childish connotations, I found a friend and a lover, a champion and a warrior, I found my King and I wish that for you my dear.

When it comes to dealing with people:

Listen to their actions, not words

Never make haste to make a decision

A non decision is a decision

Friends first before lovers

Friendship shows true character and only out of that can you find love

Take your own advice, if your heads says its wrong it probably is

Never regret trying

If you fail, don’t give up, try again

People make time for things they love

If you can’t see their souls they are not worth it

If you won’t do the work don’t start

Never toy with anyone’s feelings

Be honest and brave

Guard your heart and your soul, never lose it no matter how bad the other person treats you, remain you

Never mind the ones who make you feel ordinary. You are a miracle, a result of a love people consider impossible. Everyday, I thank GOD for the privilege of having you, so don’t let a two-piece hack tell you different.

If there ever is a man alive who doesn’t think you are enough; he probably isn’t enough for you either so don’t cry too long. For the right man you will be enough.

Don’t let the clusters of people’s past get you stuck in a nightmare, their history isn’t yours, you are great and are loved. Today and always and if no one tells you in this lifetime, I am your mother and I love you to bits.

Forever,

Mum

My Romantic heart is Dead

This maybe the last piece I will ever write on love; as my quest has been tumultuous and time consuming and has led to no fruition. I achieved nothing in this quest except the bitter truth that love is not enough.

The reality is that love works under certain conditions for it to be true, timing must be appropriate, family has to approve (if not you both feel shunned), history at least for the girl must be the barest minimum, your occupation should be noble and your background should be similar or close enough.

New requirements include social media status, the number of likes on the girls page should be equal to that of her mans, society approval of compatibility is key, don’t forget music lovers must stick together #Artgang

What happened to soul compatibility?

What happened to the honesty of a kiss that’s unadulterated by lust?

What happened to the clear indications of happiness? Talking to that person forever and not noticing time fly by?

What happened to hugs that warm up your heart?

What happened to similar hunger to succeed?

What happened to the quest for knowledge and renewed passion?

What happened to true friendship?

What happened to someone who makes you feel safe by saying hello. What happened to what we feel?

Are we all destined to be cowards? Where are the poets? Who wrote sonnets of unrequited love, what happened to Shakespeare’s tale? Is romance dead with the jet age or are our hearts too weak to fight for what we feel?

Am I the only one clueless on the joke? Is true love dead?   The answer doesn’t matter I am all out of tricks and I am laying my heart to rest for only my unborn will ever reawaken her to the maximum capacity. no man’s words, caresses will ever inspire her resurrection.

I am Florence Warmate and my romantic heart is dead.

Goodnight.

Untoward Proclivity

Quote

He haunts my dreams, as I roll in the sheets,

This Magnum Man, dark chocolate inside and light caramel outside,

Tough and mush, he melts me every time we lock eyes,

I crave immortality to have power to spend indefinite lives with you,

All Man yet his eyes are so kind, my kind,

He conflicts me, He clicks with me,

Troubles me, fires me,

Drives me to the borders of insanity when I’m away from him,

When he’s with me time stands still,

He’s my pseudo persona,

The male me,

Such a Diva yet brave, determined, focused, tough and ambitious,

An artist constantly making things beautiful,

He makes me all woman,

What was life before him?

Without him I feel bereaved, a widow of his love,

With a single stroke of my hair,

He unnerves me,

This Is Voodoo,

Some black Magic,

He’s a bad man, bad man,

I can’t tell his good side from his bad side,

I am like waffles in his arms, spread chocolate all over me baby, eat me !!

I need this,

The cleanse can’t cleanse you,

Yoga can’t fix this addiction,

Baby, give me one more shot of you,

I crave toxic, I crave you,

lets do this

Reality can wait, let’s do this!!!!

imagesCA3HCOTK

I want to be free

I don’t want despair or desperation at my doorstep. I don’t want to tire from the effort of loving you. I don’t want to be one of them constantly existing yet not living. I don’t want to pretend, I don’t. I want to wake up and greet me. I want to see my reflection and lift my shoulders high. I want to stop being ashamed of the poor choices I made. I want to stop making excuses. I want to be free from slouching, free from the mistakes of father and free to forgive myself. I want to be free.

I want to be proud to be me, I want to meet me tomorrow and see me grown. I want to be a virtuous, courteous and a proud woman comfortable in her own skin. I want to dress in bright colors and pretty clothes and not care who stares. I want to be free of these clutches that I carry. I want to be free of you, the voice in my head that rejects me, the voice that says you are not enough, the voice that criticizes me, the voice that reminds me of all the wrong places I have sought for an embrace, the voices that say I would never be loved enough, the voice that makes me think that these struggles are a part of me. I want to be free of you insecurity, the voice that says what I am is not beautiful, the voice that says all you have is your smarts, and the voice that says my looks are my curse.

 I want to be free of you, black and yellow demon of lies. My smile lights up the room, my heart recovers from all wounds, my lips are soft and give the best kisses , my skin feels velvety and tell no stories of ruin, my belly is well-rounded from good food, my moods  flourish like the full moon, I am all woman true and true and only a fool would misconstrue my eloquence as being opinionated, my frankness as being proud, my shyness as being snobbish and my feminine wiles as being slutty, I am a virtuous woman made in the likeness of my maker , I am hard-working, result oriented and an upward moving young woman.

 There is nothing wrong in loving me. I was made to be loved and I am a fountain of love. So be gone you teller of lies. Be gone, you poor judging fellow. Be gone, you strange-looking man. Be gone, voice in my head.

happy

Daniel Thompson

Aside

I accidentally ran into an ex recently, Daniel Thompson, 36 , Brown eyes , Bulky build, and he wore his ring like handcuffs . He looked downtrodden. Perhaps, that’s how I choose to see him. We exchanged pleasantries and not long after. He asked me “Still single right? “. He had this sadness to his eyes; it wasn’t the judgmental stare that my married female friends give me when the see me at the mall on Saturday with my shorts and tank top. He looked genuinely worried, we dated a while back but it never got to the point where I could say I do or he would drop on one knee and ask the question. We had a kind of love but we kept our lives separate and never overindulged in each other’s affairs, no jealous squabbles (A very mature relationship some would say) of course, I found it boring that, he would never throw me on the bed and kiss me till I run out of breath. I found it annoying that he could never lose his calm when I was stubborn for no good reason. It felt like a business transaction to me and I promised me long ago if it’s not a fiery all-consuming love I would never marry. (We all know why, I am still single now). He grabbed my hand and I followed him, I said good-bye to my shopping cart and looked forward to tea and salad.
After, the red-haired waitress took our order after grilling us over and over about mayonnaise. He began to tell his story ” Evelyn and I dated shortly after I met you, she is a doctor (he looks to me as though I should know this so I nod) and her deposition when we were dating was one full of care and nurturing (he lowered his eyes again, he had complained that I wasn’t caring because I didn’t make a fuss every time he told me about his hypochondriac symptoms). We dated 2 years and got married. She was a virgin ( I smile, interesting) . After the honeymoon she got pregnant and we had our daughter Shelia. She quit work and decided to be a stay at home mum and I agreed because I loved her (yea, right). After giving birth to Shelia, she moved to the baby room and eats, sleeps breathes the baby. (Where is he going with this?) .I get a nanny Matilda to assist Shelia with the chores so we can bond and now she factors Matilda into everything. I got home from work earlier today and found them in bed together so I stormed off and ended up here. What do you think I should do Clara?”(I try to speak but I say nothing& thank God I am single, at times like this no attachment looks good, while preparing me to give advice that I am not qualified to give).

Carrie

Carrie started to beat herself up after hanging up the call . Jake made her feel dumb but she felt an unexplained bond to him. He has the nicest eyes and whenever she looked into them she felt she could bare her soul to him. Jake is the regular guy next door and they got along fine as friends till he kissed her one drunken night. Since then they have had the most torrid affair and she couldn’t get herself to stop. She blames the eyes.

Jake sat in his backyard wearing his knickers and multi colored socks with a wind cheater , he looked puzzled. what was that call about? I love this woman and she loves me why cant we get along? He made his way into his bungalow and shut the door behind him , As he hung his coat he reminisced how they met. It was the summer of 1988 then all the young girls came out to the country to have some good fun and he saw her walk down the street in brown khakis and a yellow and white jump suit, her hair was a mess and she wore white sneakers with red polka dot socks . she looked adorable and clueless. he walked up to her and asked “hello miss , did you ,misplace your dog?” she smiled and replied ” no sir, I am on my way to the bakers to get you baked “. They both laughed and became fast friends.

Carrie hated being mad at anyone but this emotional dance was turning her into a monster , so when she heard the ping from her phone she decided to ignore and increased the Beyoncé’s irreplaceable song coming from her mac book. Her apartment could use some sprucing up and she decided to do just that. As she dusted she heard the vibrating sound from the phone and she picked up . Hello , hello Jake are you there? said Carrie.

“Will you marry me Carrie?” said Jake . The next few seconds that followed were so silent that a million angels could have run errands, then Carrie said  “oh wow , Jake wow,… (a million thoughts flew through her mind ) we should talk about this sometime, I got to go”.