Hey ….

Hey,

Are you ok ? I surf the Internet and see happy faces. I see tales of lives lived and I wonder how my life would have been if I had never met you. You were the guy that the books, movies and friends warned me about.

You sat beside me and you stared into my brown eyes, your sight unwavering. You were distracted by nothing; I alone existed in your mind. I was the center of the universe and you listened. You listened like an apt student. Were you trying to write a thesis? Or was it for the movies? Why were you so attentive?

Did I fall for a con man? A regular playa? You deserve an Oscar if it was a performance baby. I fell for your charm and I lay in your arms.

You kissed me, you taste like sandwich dark chocolate wafers. Your tongue melts into mine, its absurd how it felt so natural. My engine resonates to the sound of your engine. I feel unexplainable happiness when I am within a 5-mile radius of you. On my most angry days, I have hated you yet I longed for your deranged comfort. This must be toxic it can’t be love? How can I love someone who flakes at the day-to-day things? When last did we go to the mall to shop for groceries? How can I love a man who doesn’t like phone calls? Long walks and sad love songs?

It’s cruel to ignite this kind of love in a woman and ask her to be civilized baby. This is animalistic, it is basic and I can’t hide it. .

You know I wasn’t meant to love you right? I have been hurt a couple of times. So why did I feel the need to validate our connection. Why put labels on fun things? Why couldn’t I be her? The carefree, bubbly happy version of me? Why did I have the need to show you my poetry? Or tell you about my scars?

Why didn’t I hide when your eyes undressed my soul? Why did I let you read my poetry? Why did I share my darkness with you? Why did I not dilute me? Why did I think you were the man for the job? Why did I let you meet her? The lady miss pinky strings, she danced to all the tunes you played like she and your guy Johnny bee had played in the same band in a previous life. It felt so right I was sure it wasn’t wrong.

You are not my first rodeo; somehow it hurts that you may not be my last. I watch you from a distance sometimes and I wonder? Have you been fed? Do they make you laugh? Does her lips taste like waffles?

Does anyone tiptoe to kiss you goodbye? Are you happy?

Do you call her daily? Do you hold hands and kiss her like you kissed me? (I am smiling is that even possible)? I am kidding (stop shaking your head, I am not conceited, lol).

I miss the life I imagined for us in my head. I imagined us raising an army of the crazies (beautiful, intelligent and artsy kids). One of each. I imagined road trips and vacations in Italy. I imagined runways and walkways in Egypt. I imagined New Year’s Eve in New York.

Now , I imagine breakfast with scrambled eggs, I imagine him doing crossword puzzles; I imagine a life full of surprises because I learned I can’t plan it all. I haven’t met him yet , but I know he would love my awkward dance and my funny sense of style. Best of all he would love to have babies with me, and never give up on us. I swear to do right by him, if I could love you so fiercely, imagine what I could do with him?

I have held on and warmed the bench in your life for so long. I almost forgot how to play the game. Be happy, my friend may love never leave you alone and may you never need a hand to hold.

Arrivederci

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Fidelity

Aside

How do I define fidelity? What is faithfulness in love? In marriage? In relationships. Do our hearts constantly betray us to obey where our bodies long to go? Do we make excuses for our bodies betrayal? What is faithfulness?

A friend called it a lack of opportunity to be unfaithful.  I smiled.

Is faithfulness when I give my heart and commit my body to you?  Is faithfulness not betraying you by giving strange looks to the cute guy checking me out at lunch? 

Is faithfulness not giving into the temptations, even though you are miles away?

Why doesn’t the love I feel chase the loneliness away? Why doesn’t it take away the heat & the hunger? Why do I crave for you more? 

Is faithfulness reaching out to you in any way, with any medium or I’m I too blind to see that I am not a woman in love? But one so full of lust that I have converted it to love?  The books portray love with no shades of grey; the thoughts of another should make my skin fall off. Do I cringe at the thought of you with someone else???? I only wonder if it can even be (I am truly blinded in love) 

Why do I need you? Why I’m I here struggling so hard to define a word that needs no definition.

We cheat when we pour our hearts to strangers we barely know, we cheat when we linger on in a hug, we cheat when we reminisce previous lives with our ex. We cheat when we fantasize of the crazy, sex and weird neighbour we always talk about. Yet we limit fidelity to crimes we commit with our bodies, the touching of our lips and caressing of arms.

Is love really exclusive because as far as I know for a while it is but love constantly evolves that’s why I am glad that as of today I am still in the truly, madly, deeply phase.

 

 

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