I am You

It has been a while,

Yet, once again i feel like i am standing on a cliff,

The end of the road, yet it feels like a beginning,

I look back and all i see is fragments of a life well spent,

I look ahead and see clarity and peace,

Somehow, i see adventures in the clouds,

Decisions are always easy to make for me,

Yet, today i freeze,

I freeze at the idea of the woman i used to be,

I look at the woman i am,

Then i see a woman i could be,

Yet somehow i have always felt like the woman i should be,

The woman i am regardless,

Of who and what i choose to be,

I am her tall and proud,

Happy or sad,

I am all she has got and i am glad i finally found her.

I am intoxicated at the idea of the journeys we are going to embark on,

The journey of life.

I am so glad i met her and it’s been a privilege going through the storm to find her.

I am art, well crafted,

Molded and well-formed,

Detailed and filled with depth and color,

I am beautiful and I am  you.

 

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Work

work

Why work? I don’t know why? For some people it is because it defines them, gives them a sense of purpose. I know without it,  we would have an enormous amount of time to spend with those we love:  what if we discover their flaws? .

Work enables us pay bills and become responsible adults (whatever that means). Does work matter ?  should the type of work you do matter?

why work though ? i know it maybe easier for me to con some pot-bellied businessman to take care of me for the rest of my life (lol, those who know me well will laugh while others may say, ” How can a feminist think this? ” ) I wont go into how a housewife can be a feminist: blablabla but it is a conversation for some other time.

If money weren’t a factor what would you do for a living? Most people I ask say writer, artist, musician, and producer etc.. They speak of the arts and for the non-dreamers say they just need work in a structured organization. All work is work. This has taken some time for me to understand. How is a doctor not more important than a gateman?

Imagine getting home and having to open the gate? (Not a nightmare right?) What if it was raining cat and dogs? (It would be nice to have someone open the gate right?).

Lets not neglect the house helps, oh my favourite the handyman who provide a service that most husbands and boyfriends no longer need to do to prove they are the man of the house (I have a handyman that does all my electrical stuff and plumbing and he is always available, I like that he solves these little things for me, so when I date a man I am not worried if he knows how to change a light bulb).

That is why the twitter food debate makes me laugh; if only cooking and cleaning made women suitable wives, i know for a fact that I wont have any single friends. There is always something else which is more important than chores or food  but on social media we can go on and on about stuff . Maybe I will tweet later today (a man who can’t install a ceiling fan is that a man?) (Just for laughs, evil grin emoji).

Summary #Allworkmatters, even if it’s not a job you like.

Why do you work? That’s a deep question? A question I hope this post makes you ask yourself.

 

A Journey !

talking 2

Andrea, started her tale to me ” This Pain is from ages past, Unresolved grudges, rejection from people unknown, staring at my difference, my shyness and my struggle to stand out, the struggle between been normal, average or extraordinary, to shut out the voices in my head or to listen, the pain is from thinking I wasn’t enough, and maybe if I worked harder, fixed the exterior, and the interior made it acceptable to all maybe I will find someone accepting of me, maybe I would find love.

Yet, I have travelled many places, who can love a chameleon, true to itself yet adapting with every environment? Instead of being a peacock I made myself smaller and bigger as the case required ( it seemed like the smart thing to do) . How could I have been so lost? So hungry for affection to not appreciate this perfect piece of art?

Who heals our soul, when its been grazed? When betrayal and rejection taunts the core? What mends us? When we are so afraid to feel the pain?

The heartache or heartbreak doesn’t ruins us, rather the taste of our lovers past that haunts us and reminds us how penetrable we can be.

We are not as closed off as we think we are. Pain reminds us of our humanity and this breaks us even more. I hoped my walls were made high enough, that all I could manage was an august visitor every now and again but the heart suprises us with its strength, it tempts our humanity and betrays us more than we bargain because some of us are born all heart and no matter how closed off we seem, we long for a more intimate existence one enriched with effort, living not just existing.

How have I been so wrong? Chasing a dream, that anyone can complete me? When I myself i am incomplete? That is wishful thinking, to be a peacock is to be one’s authentic self, unapologetic for your awesomeness. A peacock does what a peacock does, to be the best peacock ever is the dream rather than living a life of a pigeon.

she looked at me and stared, peace strangely came to her, knowledge of her struggles past and she continued ..

Yet, I think I am comfortable with this pain, maybe i even willed it because I somehow refused to see the suffering ahead. Maybe, I needed an out ,an excuse to not try again, to say I have done my bit, in this quest. So, maybe I self sabotaged because fixing and repairing my heart and respecting it to wait for the right one is hard. So I got tired and tried to control the situation. Forcing something that was meant to be intermediate into forever time and time again.

Maybe, this is a reminder that as much as I plan, I can be surprised with unexplained joy & pain from detours. It may not be a straight road to the Promise, maybe I am the promise.  I am learning to enjoy the journey of self-discovery and happiness in one’s individuality and maybe every person we meet experiences a bit of us in their own special way. Maybe, the need to own one special person and to belong to one isn’t for everyone, maybe our purpose or my purpose is one greater than one man can bear.

 The truth, I will always hope for a life partner, a fellow traveler but I won’t be sleeping beauty, Cinderella or snow white, I am and will be me.

If any one decides to join me , he must be worthy of the person i have become and viceversa with a hell lot of explanations for where he’s been but most of all he has to have found his authentic self.

Authenticity sees itself, my soul should mirror his and be proud .For only then will this journey and forever, ever truly begin”.

As i listened and watched her , my dearest friend; i knew that she had begun a journey with a truly amazing end.

I want to be free

I don’t want despair or desperation at my doorstep. I don’t want to tire from the effort of loving you. I don’t want to be one of them constantly existing yet not living. I don’t want to pretend, I don’t. I want to wake up and greet me. I want to see my reflection and lift my shoulders high. I want to stop being ashamed of the poor choices I made. I want to stop making excuses. I want to be free from slouching, free from the mistakes of father and free to forgive myself. I want to be free.

I want to be proud to be me, I want to meet me tomorrow and see me grown. I want to be a virtuous, courteous and a proud woman comfortable in her own skin. I want to dress in bright colors and pretty clothes and not care who stares. I want to be free of these clutches that I carry. I want to be free of you, the voice in my head that rejects me, the voice that says you are not enough, the voice that criticizes me, the voice that reminds me of all the wrong places I have sought for an embrace, the voices that say I would never be loved enough, the voice that makes me think that these struggles are a part of me. I want to be free of you insecurity, the voice that says what I am is not beautiful, the voice that says all you have is your smarts, and the voice that says my looks are my curse.

 I want to be free of you, black and yellow demon of lies. My smile lights up the room, my heart recovers from all wounds, my lips are soft and give the best kisses , my skin feels velvety and tell no stories of ruin, my belly is well-rounded from good food, my moods  flourish like the full moon, I am all woman true and true and only a fool would misconstrue my eloquence as being opinionated, my frankness as being proud, my shyness as being snobbish and my feminine wiles as being slutty, I am a virtuous woman made in the likeness of my maker , I am hard-working, result oriented and an upward moving young woman.

 There is nothing wrong in loving me. I was made to be loved and I am a fountain of love. So be gone you teller of lies. Be gone, you poor judging fellow. Be gone, you strange-looking man. Be gone, voice in my head.

happy

FB couples

Aside

I stare at FB pictures and I see the couples looking picture perfect. The fathers look extremely excited by carrying their newborns, the wives look proud and loving at their accomplishment. I wonder if I would ever look like them (the perfect couples)

I have taken sappy photos with the Lover at some point (those pictures with your faces pressed against each other and I looked a million miles away from reality, I looked happy)

The lover and I have reached those unwritten finished lines, fundamental differences, the honeymoon phase is long gone, the reality phase, memories away .All I see now are the differences and why we can’t be together forever. Today, The Facebook pictures remind me how conflicting my choices are from my needs and wants.

Why haven’t I ever picked the easy guy? The one with whom I foresee no possible drama? (The sure thing in relationships, we all know this)

Do I love in small doses? Thrive on complexity and enjoy singleness and pretend to want forever. Or have I been dealt poor cards in this game of love?

I don’t know and please don’t tell me because I want to wake up everyday with endless possibilities and answering this question will ruin the surprise.

Baggage Claim

Baggage is the luggage we carry when we are in transit. Today I owned up to myself about my emotional baggage the one I claim at my relationship entry and exit stations like the airport baggage claims when you enter a new country.

Baggage is associated with transit, so if you have one (baggage) you are a traveller (yes, you are!).

If you want to standstill and are tired of running like me (formerly a commitment phobic). You have to unpack your bag. So hiding it or forgetting it doesn’t help.

In the movie the Cinderella story (the Hillary duff version) my favorite line is “Don’t let the fear of failing stop you from playing the game”.

The pain of a heartbreak is great especially if you truly loved but is that enough reason to give up?

I don’t want to wake up at 50 and wonder what happened. It’s easy to blame the past but I guess moving on is really about the baggage. Letting go and emptying the baggage and throwing away the hurtful words said by the loved ones, the insecurities created by the situations. That is moving on for real. Baggage makes anyone tired. Are you tired?

Baggage is not unique to love affairs some of the heaviest baggage come from our families, friends and so forth. The things people said to us WITHOUT CAREFUL thought that has hung over our head for years. It is time to let it go.

I spoke with a friend yesterday and he said that we should be careful on how we treat people because our actions can affect someone’s future. The decisions they make etc. it is easy to be mean but honesty, kindness and sincerity in interactions with others comes from a sound mind and the knowledge of God.

This brings me back to the fact that once bitten, who wants to get bitten again? No one but as I used to tell a friend of mine I would rather feel pain than feel nothing at all.

Some people have the baggage immunity, those who forgive themselves easily and are not overly critical of their actions. Some others mask their baggage and carry it forever and some people find others to carry this baggage with them.

The question here is who has a baggage?

Anyone dating someone who makes them feel bad about himself or herself? (Why put up with this? the baggage)

Having a friend who doesn’t appreciate you yet you keep sucking it up? (Why put up with this? the baggage)

Anyone doing the friends with benefit (why do this? the baggage)

Why accept less than more? The baggage.

The examples are endless …

Should you run at the first sign of imperfection when you meet someone? No.

I am saying fix you first before you find someone. If you do find someone decided if the baggage they carry can be let go of? If you can’t then admit and walk away. There is no shame in that.

Subconsciously like the airport we pick up our baggage and enter into new lands with the emotional baggage. I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. I put down my baggage.

I opened my baggage and I looked inside the bag and it was full but now I know. I am dealing with it and I feel lighter already than I have felt in years.

Feel free to claim a baggage today. Cheers.